Once again, it’s time for people in silly hats to watch horses race in Kentucky! And, once again, the horses involved all seem to have been named by bizarre people who secretly loathe their livestock. Last year’s derby was a mixed bag of weird names ranging from the droll to the asinine. This year, they’ve eased off on the droll — seriously, this is a crappy collection of names. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun dissecting them, does it? (I hope you answer “no.”)

Alright, here we go: your 2011 Kentucky Derby Horse Names:

Twinspired

This horse is named after Churchill Downs’ trademark twin spires, which is exactly as tacky as naming your kid Langdell Hall because you want it to go to Harvard Law School. I’m’a do you a favor, Twinspired: I’m’a pretend that “Twinspired” means “inspired by the 1988 film Twins.” Dudes, that horrible namesake is actually an improvement on the real one. And here we are, one entry in, and we’d already rather have a Schwarzenegger movie. D

Shackleford

This one combines the undesirable state of being chained up with the only slightly more desirable state of being in a Ford automobile. Basically, this is riding in the back seat of a police cruiser, but in horse format. D+

Uncle Mo

Evidently, somebody’s sister married this horse. D

Dialed In

Any second now, this horse will be engaged in a telephone conversation. C-

Archarcharch

With 2 more arches than St. Louis and 1 more than the McDonald’s logo, Archarcharch is a shoo-in for an aqueduct endorsement. Also, if you say “Archarcharch” aloud kind of slowly, you have a good chance of sounding like you’re doing a crappy impression of a seal. C+

Pants On Fire

I’ve never understood the whole “liar, liar, pants on fire” thing. It seems to me that people with burning pants have little incentive to lie about their predicament. I guess what I’m getting at is that this seems like an honest horse. Go vote for it. C-

Midnight Interlude

You know those little act breaks that happen every night at midnight? You know: one day ends, everyone suddenly switches gears and does a little comedic skit, and then the next day begins? No? You’re not familiar with that? Me neither. So the name must refer to the owner’s habit of screwing his horse at 12:00am. F

Comma To The Top

Most horses train for racing by, you know, practicing. Chumps. If you really want to win races, you’ve got to separate clauses and items in lists. B-

Soldat

I was going to make a joke invoking the, shall we say, agrestic vernacular (e.g. “You still gotcher moonshine still?” “Nope, soldat.”), but that’s not really my style. So instead I’ll point out that “soldat” is the German word for “soldier.” Everybody thinks of positive things when they think of German soldiers, right? D-

Brilliant Speed

This is an amphetamine that writes symphonies. It’s also a horse. Well done there. B+

Toby’s Corner

Toby has to stand in this horse when he misbehaves. Or, if you prefer to think that Toby isn’t a child, but a prostitute, then Toby solicits sexual favors while standing on this horse. That’s what I call panache. B

Master of Hounds

This horse runs a dog kennel. It’s good to know that it has something to fall back on, but it should really be focusing more on its athletic career while it’s still in its prime. Stupid workaholic horse. C+

Twice the Appeal

The wife of the guy who owns this horse should be quite offended. And divorced. F

Stay Thirsty

Bad advice. Dehydration is no laughing matter. I can only assume that this horse is trying to trick the others into dehydrating themselves. How underhanded! C-
(Also, I prefer Tecate to Dos Equis, because Tecate’s branding looks so overtly fascist.)

Mucho Macho Man

I suppose this horse is going to implore me to snap into a Slim Jim. That aside, the fact that the name Mucho Macho Man brings to mind a Village People song dovetails nicely with the fact that this horse is going to be mounted by a dude with a riding crop. D

Decisive Moment

The owner’s other horses are also named for certain times during a race, such as:
When the Starting Bell Goes Off
When the Horses Get In The Starting Gate, and
15 Minutes Before the Race, Or As I Like To Call It, “Nacho Time.” C-

Santiva

This one is just pure crap. It doesn’t even have any decent anagrams. I hereby rechristen this racer Sriracha Suitcase. Watch out, opponents — this is one spicy suitcase! A-

Watch Me Go

There’s nothing like a horse that begs you to watch it urinate. C+

Anthony’s Cross

So stay away from him until he cools down a bit. We all have our moods. D

Animal Kingdom

Wow. Such Bravado! Naming your horse Animal Kingdom is like naming your kid, well, Animal Kingdom. Ok, better analogies: it’s like naming a town Planet Earth. It’s like if Toyota made a car called Automotive Industry. It’s like if GE made a microwave called Corpus of All Consumer Electronics. Noteworthy is the fact that Animal Kingdom, despite its grandeur, isn’t exactly boastful; there are plenty of slow, crappy animals out there. Obviously I can’t say for sure, but I’d have to guess the entire animal kingdom averages out to some kind of ant. B

Nehro

Why not just name the poor beast Crap? Or better yet, Death Vegetable. It’s a good source of dietary fiber, vitamins A, C, and K, niacin, riboflavin, and thiamin. In fact, it’s almost exactly like asparagus, only instead of rounding out your meal in a tasty fashion, it kills you. A

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