You know what DDT does to condors? It strengthens their beaks, gives their feathers a spectacular luster and can up to double their fecundity. Didn’t know that? That’s because of onions. Species of assassins, onions are cunning condor-haters who work with such precision and tact that DDT ended up getting banned for its severe “negative effects” on condor population. Onions are good at what they do, and there’s no telling when they shall or shallot strike.
Dave has superpowers! He’s also pretty weird. I mean, granted, simply having superpowers is already pretty weird, but Dave is a guy who has superpowers and is weird in addition to that. For instance, he wears a top hat. Anyone who wears a top hat when it’s after about 1920 or so is pretty weird.
Wow, this hamster really dislikes public places! It’s mainly an anxiety thing. Since he’s almost always at home, Agoraphobic Hamster has plenty of time for his hobbies, which include pointing out the narrator’s mistakes, inventing new kinds of juice, and writing underquels to novels (which are like sequels or prequels, but instead of taking place before or after the novel, they’re just less interesting).
Members of the Space Exploration Program, astronauts explore the depths of space, exploring uncharted planets with the aid of exploratory spaceships that travel exploratively throughout the cosmos. Astronauts tend to have poor luck, possibly because they used up all their good luck becoming astronauts, or maybe because the explorable regions of space tend to be inhospitable to explorers. Nonetheless, exploringly exploring planets with moderate to high explorability is what astronauts do best.
Robots are quasi-intelligent beings made to aid humans. They spend a lot of time trying to figure themselves out, which is their chief similarity with introspective underclassmen and René Descartes.
The Great One
The Great One is both a god and a hot dog. He’s especially popular in Denmark, where he is known as The Great Dane and is regarded as the god of solving mysteries and eating giant sandwiches. Elsewhere, he is known as a god of death. Elsewhere got it right.
A powerful rodent on a surfboard, Surf Rat rides the Wave of Freedom wherever he goes. This allows him to overcome great adversity: Surf Rat has taken out criminals and ended entire wars! What’s this amazing rat’s story? Basically, Surf Rat is a superhero who solves the world’s problems by drowning everyone in front of him, which is a really effective way of solving problems — especially if your problems are people standing in front of you.
Gwen Stefani Turtles
These turtles always seem to find The Sweet Escape from whatever confines them. They also Love Angel Music, Baby. I guess. But more than any of that, they were a weird idea that has sinced ruined my life by making me listen to Gwen Stefani songs for research. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.
More recently, the Gwen Stefani Turtles mutated into wildly new creatures that are still turtles.
He’s an Allosaurus and he knows it.
This guy messes with things. Or he reveals the truth. Or he messes with revealing the truth. Or he reveals that the truth is a mess. It’s hard to say. But it’s definitely worth noting that he’s a cowboy, not a boy cow. That would be a bull. Also, he talks funny and wears spurs. Honest-to-God spurs. Come on.
The Brigand is technically the adversary of the Cowboy, but they tend to avoid each other — probably because that many spurs in one place increases cholesterol (mathematicians know what I mean). It’s a good thing they keep apart, because their dichotomous relationship is full of moral ambiguity that would take a lot of writing to tackle.
More to the point, ladies love the Brigand.
Sheep (with Wagon)
Originally, the sheep was supposed to be a tiger, and the wagon was a toy that he and a spiky-haired 6-year-old would ride down hills and into ravines. However, there’s this guy who keeps stealing my ideas and using them to write comics 20 years ago, so instead, I have a sheep who peddles wares in a wagon. But it’s still a metaphor for the rapidity of life and the value of foresight. Oh, and for the tendency to overlook incongruence between one’s statements and reality.
Mailboxes are jerks. They are often sinister jerks. They are seldom soda jerks. They are completely disparate from hypnic jerks (which are those things that happen when you nod off and you sort of dream that you’re falling, and you jerk yourself awake trying to stop the fall. For me, they always go like this: I’m walking down a sidewalk and I trip over an uneven expansion joint. Whee. I find this really annoying, since A: it keeps me awake, and B: I wish my subconscious were a little more creative than sidewalks every time), and sometimes they have lofty, evil goals.
Vikings colonized Greenland sometime before 1996. And by “colonized,” I mean “had altercations with some Inuit and outwitted their long-dormant fish-god before escaping below the surface and nailing some hot chicks on Skee-Ball alleys.” It’s a lesser-used definition of “colonized” not kept in many dictionaries.
This gun-toting, obstacle-hopping, bilingual, meat-filled tortilla of action is, well, all of the things I just said. He’s also an official spokesperson for SPLASH! fruit juice cocktail. He’s probably motivated by altruism, but it’s hard to tell because you mostly just want to eat him.
Donna the Bears
Donna the Bears is a woman with multiple personalities that all happen to be bears. Her interests include fish, honey, and berries. According to the readership, Donna is Mountain Time’s token hottie. I really didn’t make that up.
Chimneyfoot is sort of the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer of the Euclidean pixies, except instead of a red nose, he has a chimney for a foot. Also, unlike Rudolph, Chimneyfoot has yet to find acceptance among his brethren, who continue to hate his guts. He seems to be building a rapport with the Agoraphobic Hamster, though.
The penguins were brought in to play a sort of Greek-chorus role, but they kind of suck at it because of their zealotry regarding Norse religion. Seems out of place for Antarctic penguins, but there you go.
Deep in the mystic woods (in which there are no trees), there is a bar called Joe’s Pool Hall (which has no pool tables and nobody named Joe, and is un-hall-like in that it’s entirely outdoors), which is tended by a unicorn. This bar is legend to some and a frequented watering hole to others. The unicorn pushes Windex-based drinks, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because he wants to keep his glasses streak-free.
The Pelican Cello
The Pelican Cello is a minor demon (which is like a major demon, but with a darker, sadder sound) with many powers, including flight, eye lasers, the ability to identify cheeses at 20 yards, and a knack for making lists. Like Godzilla, its voice is made with cello strings, but unlike Godzilla, it is rather articulate. Oh, and shuck that jive about “cellar door.” “Pelican Cello” is a much more euphonious phrase.
Archery Buoy is a police officer whose beat is the seas surrounding the demon-plagued land of Thraax. With his trusty bow ever at the ready, he enforces maritime law and bitches, bitches, bitches. He finds his own existence to be annoying and stupid, but other than that, he’s not much like you or me.
Constantly quivering with tension, Burrito Squid lives in a state of unyielding terror as he tries to come to grips with what it means to be a flying squid whose head is a burrito. His only respite is the occasional, horrifying recognition of the world that surrounds him.
This thing has done lots of things it hasn’t actually done, and it has many attributes it doesn’t actually have. And vice versa.
The White Knight
The White Knight seeks to destroy the Dreadful Dragon so that he may have the hand of Princess Online Dating in marriage. If he were smart, he’d ask for more than just her hand. He probably wouldn’t be foiled by the Cowboy as often, either.
Mr. Football Pants
Hailing from the cover of The Zap Gun by Philip K. Dick, Mr. Football Pants is the greatest jar salesman in the galaxy. He can also walk on air and survive without breathing, but, like most things in life, these endeavors are trivial in comparison to the sale of jars.