Onions

You know what DDT does to condors? It strengthens their beaks, gives their feathers a spectacular luster and can up to double their fecundity. Didn’t know that? That’s because of onions. Species of assassins, onions are cunning condor-haters who work with such precision and tact that DDT ended up getting banned for its severe “negative effects” on condor population. Onions are good at what they do, and there’s no telling when they shall or shallot strike.

Dave

Dave has superpowers! He’s also pretty weird. I mean, granted, simply having superpowers is already pretty weird, but Dave is a guy who has superpowers and is weird in addition to that. For instance, he wears a top hat. Anyone who wears a top hat when it’s after about 1920 or so is pretty weird.

Agoraphobic Hamster

Wow, this hamster really dislikes public places! It’s mainly an anxiety thing. He’s also a total creampuff Caspar Milquetoast, but he’s neither a bouncer nor a sumo wrestler. I hope that made sense—right now I feel like I have the IQ of a fence post. The keyboard has been drinking (not me).

Astronauts

Members of the Space Exploration Program, astronauts explore the depths of space, exploring uncharted planets with the aid of exploratory spaceships that travel exploratively throughout the cosmos. Astronauts tend to have poor luck, possibly because they used up all their good luck becoming astronauts, or maybe because the explorable regions of space tend to be inhospitable to explorers. Nonetheless, exploringly exploring planets with moderate to high explorability is what astronauts do best.

Robots

Robots are quasi-intelligent beings made to aid humans. (”Quasi” means “resembling”, which is easy to remember because, as we all know, Quasimodo resembled a modo.) Having only a resemblance of intelligence, robots spend a lot of time trying to figure themselves out, which is their chief similarity with introspective underclassmen and René Descartes.

The Great One

The Great One is both a god and a hot dog. He’s especially popular in Denmark, where he is known as The Great Dane and is regarded as the god of solving mysteries and eating giant sandwiches. Shrines dedicated to him are frequently placed next to shrines to Casey Kasem, for some reason.

Surf Rat

A powerful rodent on a surfboard, Surf Rat rides the Wave of Freedom wherever he goes. This allows him to overcome great adversity: Surf Rat has taken out criminals and ended entire wars! What’s this amazing rat’s story? Basically, Surf Rat is a superhero who solves the world’s problems by drowning everyone in front of him, which is a really effective way of solving problems—especially if your problems are people standing in front of you.

Gwen Stefani Turtles

These turtles always seem to find The Sweet Escape from whatever confines them. They also Love Angel Music, Baby. I guess. But more than any of that, they were a weird idea that has sinced ruined my life by making me listen to Gwen Stefani songs for research. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.

Self-Aware Dinosaur

He’s an Allosaurus and he knows it.

The Cowboy

This guy messes with things. Or he reveals the truth. Or he messes with revealing the truth. Or he reveals that the truth is a mess. It’s hard to say. But it’s definitely worth noting that he’s a cowboy, not a boy cow. That would be a bull. Also, he talks funny and wears spurs. Honest-to-God spurs. Come on.

Sheep (with Wagon)

Originally, the sheep was supposed to be a tiger, and the wagon was a toy that he and a spiky-haired 6-year-old would ride down hills and into ravines. However, there’s this guy who keeps stealing my ideas and using them to write comics 20 years ago, so instead, I have a sheep who peddles wares in a wagon. But it’s still a metaphor for the rapidity of life and the value of foresight. Oh, and for the tendency to overlook incongruence between one’s statements and actions.

Mailboxes

Mailboxes are jerks. They are often sinister jerks. They are seldom soda jerks. They are completely disparate from hypnic jerks (which are those things that happen when you nod off and you sort of dream that you’re falling, and you jerk yourself awake trying to stop the fall. For me, they always go like this: I’m walking down a sidewalk and I trip over an uneven expansion joint. Whee. I find this really annoying, since A: it keeps me awake, and B: I wish my subconscious were a little more creative than sidewalks every time), and sometimes they have lofty, evil goals.

Vikings

Vikings colonized Greenland sometime before 1996. And by “colonized,” I mean “had altercations with some Inuit and outwitted their long-dormant fish-god before escaping below the surface and nailing some hot chicks on Skee-Ball alleys.” It’s a lesser-used definition of “colonized” not kept in many dictionaries.

Adios Taco

This gun-toting, obstacle-hopping, bilingual, meat-filled tortilla of action is, well, all of the things I just said. He’s also an official spokesperson for SPLASH! fruit juice cocktail. He’s probably motivated by altruism, but it’s hard to tell because you mostly just want to eat him.