Chimneyfoot is sort of the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer of the Euclidean pixies, except instead of a red nose, he has a chimney for a foot. Also, unlike Rudolph, Chim has yet to find acceptance among his brethren, who continue to hate his guts. He’s a close friend (and roommate) of Agoraphobic Hamster, though. He’s also a friend and fill-in worker for the Great One. He has actually been the Grim Reaper, and literally drinks more than is humanly possible.

 

 

Wow, this hamster really dislikes public places! It’s mainly an anxiety thing. Since he’s almost always at home, Agoraphobic Hamster has plenty of time for his hobbies, which include pointing out the narrator’s mistakes, inventing new kinds of “juice” (it’s really just chemistry), and writing underquels to novels (which are like sequels or prequels, but instead of taking place before or after the novel, they’re just less interesting). The last two items in that list have made him independently wealthy.

Hamster took Chimneyfoot in as a roommate for reasons that will probably be spelled out in a later comic.

 

 

The Great One is both a god and a hot dog. He’s the god of death, which is why he spends a lot of time trying to save the world—he’s trying to reduce his workload, you know? He has many helpers, including Chimneyfoot, but his nemesis, the Pelican Cello, only has notes for him.

 

 

Dawn has a hard time telling up from down, owing to a rare condition called “uppy-downy dyslexia.” Aside from that, she has little in common with members of congress. Ha! That’s the kind of razor-sharp political humor Mountain Time is known for.

 

 

Simone Dit (pronounced “dee”) is a professional beachball player who has a higher-than-usual rate of encountering ghosts and other supernatural beings. She’s in great shape, knows martial arts, and has questions about astronaut ice cream.

 

 

Jane has the unfortunate condition of being a woman with a rabbit’s head. She’s Simone’s best friend, a professional line painter, and a lover of gin.

 

 

Simone’s boyfriend has arms and legs and hands and feet, and his name is Brian Campion. He’s some kind of explorer or sea captain or marine scientist or something. He enjoys watching Lifetime original movies with an animate doll that lives in his couch. Brian discovered a subcontinent once, which I guess is more impressive than drawing stick figures for the internet.

 

 

A brilliant scientist driven mad by her own experiments, Dr. Dee Mented sits at the cusp of villain and hero, kind of like chicken and waffles. She deals in the trade of plutonium, creates weapons of immense power, and wears a powdered wig. (I typed that as “powered wig” initially, and for all I know, that thing does have special technological capabilities.)

 

 

Mary Chaos (real name: Marie Cayless) is Dr. Dee Mented’s less-than-genius sidekick. Her main power was affording an apartment while Dr. Dee got her enterprise off the ground, but now she’s basically a lackey.

Marie Cayless attends New Lancaster Community College.

 

 

The penguins were brought in to play a sort of Greek-chorus role, but they kind of suck at it because of their zealotry regarding Norse religion. Seems out of place for Antarctic penguins, but there you go.

 

 

You know what DDT does to condors? It strengthens their beaks, gives their feathers a spectacular luster and can up to double their fecundity. Didn’t know that? That’s because of onions. Species of assassins, onions are cunning condor-haters who work with such precision and tact that DDT ended up getting banned for its severe “negative effects” on condor population. Onions are good at what they do, and there’s no telling when they shall or shallot strike.

 

 

With virtually all the condors on Earth dead, the Onion-Condor war has essentially ended. The onions still come to the aid of humanity in times of military need, but with a lot more free time than ever before, many of them are taking up hobbies.

Onion Shakespeare is an author and playwright. He is quite untalented at both, but if being untalented were enough to make people quit writing, you wouldn’t be reading this now.

 

 

Dave has superpowers! He’s also pretty weird. I mean, granted, simply having superpowers is already pretty weird, but Dave is a guy who has superpowers and is weird in addition to that. For instance, he wears a top hat. Anyone who wears a top hat when it’s after about 1920 or so is pretty weird.

 

 

Constantly quivering with tension, Burrito Squid lives in a state of unyielding terror as he tries to come to grips with what it means to be a flying squid whose head is a burrito. His only respite is the occasional, horrifying recognition of the world that surrounds him.

 

 

Winona the Psychic Rat is a psychic rat, if you can believe it.

But since no one believes it, she lives in the slums and wishes only for a microwave that isn’t haunted.

 

 

An unlucky fellow, Floppy lives in the sky. He also spends a fair amount of time on the ground because his floppiness allows him to fall from the sky without dying.

 

 

While it’s unclear whether Braxton is the Flatwoods Monsters, or merely a Flatwoods Monster, or indeed whether a Flatwoods Monster is in fact a monster, rather than, say, a robot or an alien, one thing is certain: Braxton’s just trying to get to West Virginny.

 

 

Deep in the mystic woods (in which there are no trees), there is a bar called Joe’s Pool Hall (which has no pool tables and nobody named Joe, and is un-hall-like in that it’s entirely outdoors), which is tended by a unicorn. This bar is legend to some and a frequented watering hole to others. The unicorn pushes Windex-based drinks, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because he wants to keep his glasses streak-free.